I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
