Duck Duck Cougar?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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