I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
