yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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