M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Found the puke drawer
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize