We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I love having hate sex.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
