man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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