someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
