ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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