My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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