Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
