My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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