Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
