so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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