Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
