My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
