Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
