Your mouth is God's brothel.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
