he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
