What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
