I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
