i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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