I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
