I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
