Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
