Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
