Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Randomize
