It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
