ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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