Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
