20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize