I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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