i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
