ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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