I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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