I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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