Just cropdusted the office
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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