I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
