the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
