I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
