I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
