I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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