You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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