I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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