I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
