What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
