if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize