I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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