When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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