seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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