When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
