Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
