i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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