I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
