i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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