The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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